Today as we celebrate the Feast of the Guardian Angels, I can’t help but reminded of our own little angel in heaven. You see, before Joaquin came into our lives, we had already gotten pregnant 2 months after getting married in 2010.
After both positive pregnancy and blood tests, Wally and I were ecstatic. At about 5 weeks, I had some spotting but since it was my first pregnancy, we had no idea that it was more than the ordinary.
At 6 1/2 weeks, I felt a sharp pain on my right side. Since I had a high tolerance for pain, I thought it was just part of early pregnancy. Over the night, the pain disappeared and I thought that everything was ok. The next day, we went to our OB and I was asked to have my 1st ultrasound in the hospital. They didn’t see a fertilized egg. However, they saw a unidentified mass in the uterus. I was just told to go back to my doctor with the ultrasound. When my OB saw it, she told me that yes, I was pregnant but it was an ectopic pregnancy. The fertilized egg embedded in the fallopian tube and it had already ruptured and had created a large blood clot. I was also told that the baby was gone and I had to be immediately operated on since it was already dangerous to my life.
Everything was a blur from then. But as I was being wheeled into the operating room, I chose to pray Job’s prayer: “The Lord gives, the Lord takes, Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
The next day, I woke up in the hospital room hoping that everything was just a dream. Unfortunately, it was real. I had lost the baby. Since the baby was only 6 1/2 weeks already, the gender was not yet known. But I knew in my heart that she was a baby girl. We decided to name her as Angel.
Of course, I was still very depressed but also wanted to believe that God was still in control even in this very painful moment. So I prayed to God to just give me a sign that our Baby Angel was with Him in Heaven.
This is from my journal entry from June 4, 2010:
Today, we went home from the hospital. The healing now begins. Physically, it’s not as painful anymore except when standing up or sitting down. It’s the emotional pain that needs more tender, loving care and time.
Today also is Lola’s birthday. I dreamt of her this morning holding a baby. Our little angel is with Lola. She will take care of her. It is a reassuring vision. It’s just that I still feel sad that our little angel is gone and has gone ahead of us. I cried. Wally and I hugged. But God wanted to make me smile. The new nurse came in and said her name was Angel. That made us smile, Lord. Life must go on. With the new day, comes new hope.
This is another chapter in our lives individually and as a married couple. I thank the Lord for giving me the sweetest, the kindest and most loving husband. “We will be ok. Yes Lord, with you, we will be ok.“
We don’t understand what has happened. I felt sadness yes. But I honestly didn’t question. As I was being wheeled in the operating room, I was lifting all up to God. Redemptive Suffering? I offer it to all the unwanted babies in the world. I offer it for life.
Thank you also for the gift of life. Thank you my guardian angel. Thank you for our little angel who saved my life. Even if the fertilized egg had raptured, it had created a blood clot, which prevented or slowed down the hemorrhage.
We offer to you this new journey. We pray for our relationship, for what we have shared and will continue to share. We pray that in your perfect time you will grant our hearts’ desires to have our other babies, and build our own Christian family.
The Lord gives. The Lord takes. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I have been putting off sharing this since 2010 but today on the Feast of the Guardian Angels, I felt that I was being nudge by my own Angel in Heaven to write it down and to remember. As I am a firm believer that in the good and the not-so-good things in life, there’s always something good that will come out. I know that having our own baby Angel in Heaven is also God’s way of making sure that we do good here in this world so that one day, we’ll get to embrace, kiss and be reunited with our Baby Angel in Heaven.
Dear Baby Angel, continue to watch over and pray for Dada, Mama and Joaquin. We love you very much!
Angel of God, my Guardian dear, to whom His love commits me here, ever this day (or night) be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen.